Sunday, March 22, 2009

Baa Baa Brown Sheep!

Baa Baa brown sheep
Have you lost your cool?
Yes Sir, Yes Sir, I'm a total fool.

Just a month ago, I had a job
Sitting at a computer, all day long
Like the rest of the mob
Fiddling around, getting along

All of a sudden, came this recession,
A lot of fear, 'n trepidation
I buried my head, as much as I could
But they spotted me 'n caught me real good

You're fired Mr. Brown,
That's what they said
We're sorry about the frown,
But there's no more bread!

I could keep my car and all my underwear
Beyond that, I was all threadbare
No more credit, no more loans
They just knew I was down to my bones

Baa Baa brown sheep
Have you lost your cool?
Yes Sir, Yes Sir, I could drown in a pool.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A call to entertain

The quintessential purpose of an entertainer is to entertain, which means, we love being around that person, we enjoy the actions and words, and are willing to forget ourselves when the show is on.

Great entertainers have a quality, no matter what their medium - emotional connect with audiences. No surprise at all here that almost every great entertainer has grown up with and in the midst of a lot of organic, unexplained chaos, disappointment, dysfunctionality, and the ability to pick oneself up after each blow.

To those that know, life is a comedy, and to those yet to figure it out, it is a tragedy. Nothing could ring truer in the case of entertainers. No technique, no training, no structure, no practice and no teacher can substitute for life experience and the entertainer who has had a vast variety of life experiences will invariably hold greater interest for audiences than one who hasn't.

The entertainer, whether it be a stand up comedian, an actor, a musician, a director, or the host of a television show, does not choose to impress as much as connect. It's empathy, a global understanding of the human race, our condition, and an observation usually quite acute as is unique and unafraid. It can be very unsettling for a few people who lead guarded lives to be confronted by such an individual. So be it, so be it!

There are two distinct worlds - that of the entertainers and that of worker ants. The world of entertainers is inherently uncertain yet full of promise, throbbing with energy that mostly won't yield measurable or desirable results. The world of the worker ant doesn't hold much by way of promise but calls for diligence over brilliance. It guarantees three square meals and the occasional banquet for those who care to save up.

The world of entertainers works very hard to understand the world of worker ants, for it is the worker ants that feed the box office. Entertainers are used to hearing NO a whole lot more for their efforts than any worker ant can imagine. But, they cannot afford to drop face or appear negative, for the value of their positive energy sometimes is the only selling point. If an entertainer loses his penchant for risk, he automatically becomes a boring worker ant.

No worker ant can aspire to be an entertainer. A flashy worker ant might imagine so, but there is nothing more pathetic to watch than a worker ant trying to become what he is not. He simply doesn't understand how to let go of all things secure and nice, including, yes, those three square meals. The entertainer does not work for those three square meals. He works for appreciation, adulation, applause, and the ascent to greatness in art, but most of all, just acceptance. It's very hard to be accepted when you're trying to entertain, but then, that's why entertainers are special!

Slowly, but surely, the worker ants have got around to subscribing to and then spreading the perception that one can work towards being an entertainer, through training, through practice and the most insulting of all, through process! There is nothing more amusing to an entertainer than to meet a worker ant who asks him about the process he underwent. But the worker ant can never emulate the life of an entertainer. He just doesn't get it.

But the worker ants haven't given up - they have started businesses that teach the craft of entertaining, of acting, of writing, of looking good, of presenting yourself well, and indeed, of managing your professional life. None of them are however, honest enough to tell you that if you aren't inherently an entertainer, you will probably bore others to death. They won't tell you that the quintessential entertainer's quality of taking maximum risk involves going hungry if you have to, spending the last ounce of energy in one more performance, one more shot at lady luck!

They will systematically destroy your charisma, make you conform, and make you do things unnatural to you, your being, your soul, your system, your mind and body. When you go insane, they will blame you for not being able to take it. But alas, if you are stupid enough to let a worker ant tell you how to be an entertainer, you are insane already! Worker ants find security in effort, a warmth in sweat. Entertainers put in their hard work, but that is not the goal. It is finding that streak of inspiration that will make their work truly special, a standout, and give them that push ahead, into the rarefied atmosphere of greatness captured.

Don't ever let a worker ant fill up the blanks, and there will be many, with talks of diligence and discipline and due respect for tradition. Break all the rules, you rowdy entertainer, and that is what all of us want! All of us want to see you reach for the stars even if you are going to fall. The essential quality of the hero is not preparing for the leap into the unknown, but actually leaping when faced with the unknown. That is what we want from our entertainers, not dogged marches to insignificant victories over trivial obstacles.

If there is one thing that still hangs in commonality between the truly great entertainers of the bygone eras and those of today, it is individual charisma. But, there are fewer and fewer free spirited expressions in the business of entertainment than there used to be. The age of innocence is gone, and the age of over managed delirium is here. The inability to entertain has spawned several new uncreative "captivities" in lieu of engaging entertainment.

We don't need reality shows, we don't need "Moments of truth", and stupid, uninteresting people selling their souls on camera to voyeuristic audiences who're getting the fake deal and loving unprotected rape. We don't need the torture of watching worker ants imagining they are entertainers. We want purity of heart, we want to laugh our guts off, we want to cry unabashedly, and we want to be emotionally drained and then lifted.

We want to hear truths about us that we hate but have to accept. We want to see the world from your eyes for ours haven't seen that much. We want to be reminded that there is a life outside of our petty concerns, and that no matter how much we achieve, there is someone who has achieved more, and no matter how we have fallen, there's someone who's fallen harder.

Only real entertainers can lead us to the planes of joy, of promise, of hope, and of clarity. If you have set your heart on being an entertainer, don't listen to reason, and don't ever listen to worker ants telling you what to do. They just don't know. Use your intellect, but only to inform your actions, not to dictate them. Leap and we will leap with you. Even if you perish, you will rise again. If you hold back you have already perished.

Entertain us, please.

Chicks on flicks?

I wonder why I never checked out this program on Sony Pix before. After all I am fond of flicks and chicks, though not all of either.

All factors considered, I decided to stay on this program for a while, just to see if there was possibly one program I could actually endure that came out of Mumbai.

It didn't take very long for my head to scream - Fake, fake, fake!

It would be easy to rubbish this with - "Well, what did I expect when it comes out of the same sewer that produces fake rubbish all year round?" After all, one of them is an actress who went to theatre school. There are lots of theatre school alumni doing very well as waitresses. See, with actresses, you never know what they're going to dish out next. This bloody show was certainly not on my menu, and it certainly won't be on any sane person's order.

These two chicks Neha Sareen and Ira Dubey stand out as a comedy of their own, as amateurish and silly as two high school kids reading stuff their unimaginative teacher wrote for them to look good on stage. Could they please spare us the fake stuff? No, of course not! Could they at least save us from the big words that don't stick? Could someone tell them that language that looks impressive on paper doesn't necessarily work in the spoken medium? (Especially when the writers haven't received on screen credit)

How much of this can we take - "Incisively adapted", "Creating ambiguity to provoke thinking", "Minimalistic camerawork", "motifs", "Verbose screenplay", "Aesthetic framing of characters particularly in the silent scenes", "Showered in golden hues", "Visual beauty was mocking them", "milky camerawork", and lots of rubbish about art direction and editing and all the technical stuff you shouldn't have to care about when you sit down to watch a movie. On and on these chicks carry on with the same insincere, hurried, staid presentation, utterly lacking in emotional connect and constipated in delivery of every overcooked comment! God! I thought I was done cursing Mumbai and the idiots it marinates!

Somehow Mumbai can make crap out of anything. The good thing about obvious crap, however, is that one can get beyond the incompetence and really become objective about the show itself. With Chicks on Flicks, if the insincerity doesn't get you, the intellectual masturbation is sure to. You better let yourself start laughing. It doesn't take much to get merciless against this much dearth of ability.

To cap off a lousy review with something like - "Revolutionary Road makes Titanic look like Pretty Woman"! Wow! I wonder how confused people who have seen all three movies would be if they heard this.

Why the heck do these chicks have to tell us about "American suburbia", "compelling characters", and that the director allowed the "camera simply observe Leonardo and Kate feed off each other"? Yeah right! Nothing could be further from the truth. No working director employed by a major American studio shooting with expensive professional actors has the freedom to do anything as remotely organic as letting two actors feed off each other on camera. That happens in the script reading process, and that's the end of that. Now, to expect us to be morons who are still willing to join in an intellectual orgy - that's way too insulting.

The sadly funny part is - It doesn't need that much intelligence to know who the target audience for this show is - English speaking, urban Indians who watch English language movies. Simple, right? Now who in this target audience needs two fools addressing them telling them what movies to watch? They know where to get their reviews from!

If this weren't pain enough, we have to endure these chicks telling us if we should "Catch it", or "Trash it", as if these two were some sort of experts in cinema. Give us a break. According to a bit on India-forums.com - "Neha Sareen began her modelling career as a hand or leg model. He joined Lintas and would help out by being a hand or a leg model." Yes, if she could be extensively occupied being a hand or leg model, I suppose He could give its mouth a rest.

Renee Zellweger came on "The Actors' Studio" immediately after this stupid show, and there wasn't one single bit of intellectual masturbation. She spoke about her brother who would beat her up, about her father who is a very clever person, how she learned not to judge people, and how she went to school in the day, worked during the night, and how she once went to a set and pretended like she knew what she was doing! And at the end of that story, all she had to say was, "Anyway, it worked out okay!".

What a difference!

Guess what? We can tell.

Our chicks on flicks should really get themselves on a Revolutionary Road to find out who they are, what they can do, and what they can't, and not involve us in the pain of finding out.